BELLY DANCE - ALIENS

BELLY DANCE

Belly dance is not naked dance nor boring classical dance. (So?)

G

ALIENS

Karthik Laxman: UNREAL ALIENS, PENGUIN BOOKS / Penguin Random House India, ₹199.

Sarcastic science fiction novel. Comical cartoons of top Indian politicians etc. on the book cover: Amit Shah, Narendra Modi, Subramanian Swamy, Arvind Kejriwal, Sonia Gandhi, Rahul Gandhi, M. S. Dhoni etc. - G

Prologue

PLANET MOR [the inhabitants of planet MOR are Morons], GALAXY GAAN-FA ...

(p. ix)

***

the alien spacecraft had its first brush with the human race when it encountered the Mangalyaan, an Indian space probe orbiting Mars since September 2014. Using Morse code, the alien crew aboard the saucer-like spacecraft radioed a simple but universal message: 'We come in peace.'

(p. 1)

***

The frenzy in the Indian media was unprecedented... every news channel in India was breathlessly reporting on the one and only story - the arrival of the aliens. Newsrooms of national TV channels witnessed chaotic scenes, with harried journalists scampering here and there in a mad rush to cover all possible angles. Editors held frantic discussions.

(p. 2)

***

the newscast on Doordarshan provided more substantive information in a five-minute broadcast than an hour of 'news' on other channels. A wooden-faced lady read out the news report in a monotone, while another woman in a smaller panel translated it for the deaf and dumb with a series of rapid hand gestures.

'According to sources, the alien spaceship has now made contact with ISRO, and is well on track to touch down in the national capital. According to analysts, the aliens are from a species that is physically and biologically similar to the human race, apart from some differences. For example, they are stronger, faster and have four hands instead of two. They also have infrared vision in place of regular human vision. Sources further reveal that the aliens have been able to tap into the World Wide Web and may already be familiarizing themselves with this part of the world ...'

It was anybody's guess as to who actually saw the DD telecast.

(pp. 3-4)

***

'We are here in Jantar Mantar amidst a group of animated Delhiites who are clearly awaiting the aliens with eager anticipation,' announced ..., as a bunch of enthusiastic youngsters dressed as alien characters from Indian pop culture cheered wildly.

'How do you feel?'

'To be honest, my balls are freezing. It's so bloody cold!'

'No, no, I mean, how do you feel about the aliens coming over to India?'

''Oh, bahut achha lag raha hai.'

(pp. 4-5)

***

Prime Minister Narendra Modi stood tall in the room and slowly swept his gaze in a wide arc from the far left to the far right [of the wardrobe in his room? or politically speaking?].

'Mitron,' he rumbled.

The room [room?] listened in rapt attention.

'Today is a landmark day in the history of independent India. We have been able to achieve something that sixty years of Congress rule hasn't been able to.'

Modi's eyes gleamed in triumph.

'The aliens are coming! And they are not landing in the United States or China or any of the other developed countries. They could very well have chosen to land in any of the hundreds of countries in the world. But they chose to land here, in our janmabhoomi, our karmabhoomi, in the lap of our Bharat Mata! Would anyone have imagined that Modi would be able to do something that the entire human race couldn't in hundreds of thousands of years? That too, within twenty months of taking charge as prime minister?'

Modi let that sink in for a few moments.

'Mitron, this is a victory of the 125 crore people of this great nation, who saw it fit to elect a chaiwala to the highest office in the country. Later today, when I meet the leader of the alien delegation, he will shake my hand with respect in his eyes, not because he is meeting Modi, but because he is meeting the democratically elected leader of 125 crore humans!'

The room [room?] absorbed the profundity of this statement.

'Mitron, we are blessed with the three essential Ds - democracy, demography and demand. 'Would anyone have imagined that Modi would be able to do something that the entire human race couldn't in hundreds of thousands of years? That too, within twenty months of taking charge as prime minister?'

Modi let that sink in for a few moments.

'Mitron, this is a victory of the 125 crore people of this great nation, who saw it fit to elect a chaiwala to the highest office in the country. Later today, when I meet the leader of the alien delegation, he will shake my hand with respect in his eyes, not because he is meeting Modi, but because he is meeting the democratically elected leader of 125 crore humans!'

The room [room?] absorbed the profundity of this statement.

'Mitron, we are blessed with the three essential Ds - democracy, demography and demand...'

Just imagine! Sixty-five per cent of the country's youth is under thirty-five. This offers us a rare opportunity and we must not miss it. We must make this visit a huge success! And to help me make this a truly successful  visit, I need a crack team to assist me.'

Modi's gaze once again surveyed the room in a meticulous fashion.

'Any volunteers?'

The 1000-odd pieces of suits, half-sleeved kurtas, headgears, dupattas [?!!], leggings [?!!], shades [?] and various other accessories stared back at Modi from their shelves in the walk-in wardrobe at 7, Race Course Road.

'All right then,' he murmured, rubbing his hands. 'I'll make the pick myself. Not for nothing has God blessed me with a keen fashion sense and the ability to strike the right colour combinations.'

Thus began PM Modi's preparation for the first human-extraterrestrial contact in the history of mankind.

(pp. 5-7)

***

Modi stood on the tarmac at the Indira Gandhi International Airport amidst two dozen [twenty-four] security personnel toting automatic weapons. A hundred metres away, beyond the security perimeter around the designated landing area, over a thousand onlookers and media personnel jostled with each other and with policemen trying to keep them behind the yellow barricades, as they tried to get a better view.

The prime minister wore a smartly cut Jodhpuri coat with handcrafted buttons that had the BJP's logo on them, and accessorized it with brown-tinted aviators [?] and a colourful Rajasthani bandhni [coiled?] turban. Behind him, Principal Secretary Nripendra [नृप इन्द्र] Misra shivered in the chilly morning breeze, clasping a hardbound book [Gita] to his frail torso. A couple of steps away, Ajit Doval stood leaning on his left leg, right leg crossed in front, casually blowing circles of cigar smoke into the air.

'I can't see anything,' said Modi, squinting at the hazy Delhi sky. 'There is so much pollution in Delhi that one can't even make out the sky. Can't they do something about this?'

'By "they" do you mean the ministry of environment or the Delhi government, sir?' inquired Misra.

'Neither. I meant the Supreme Court.'

Doval chuckled. Before the stumped Misra could frame a response, a dull whir sounded above them, and the smog suddenly parted. A massive green-coloured saucer appeared out of nowhere and loomed overhead. The crowd gasped. Misra blanched. 'Maa Jagadamba,' muttered Modi, open-mouthed. Even Doval paused mid-puff to stare at the alien object.

(pp. 7-8)

***

The alien spacecraft slowly descended and when it was about 20 feet from the tarmac, four leg-like structures emerged from its underside and extended all the way to the ground. The whirring noise subsided, a hatch in the lower half of the spacecraft slid open, and a flight of air-stairs rolled down within a few feet of Modi.

As the humans watched spellbound, a barrel-chested humanoid about 6 feet emerged from the spacecraft and stood at the top of the ramp. The alien's face was grey and hirsute, with remarkably human-like features. Two grey arms hung from each shoulder, veined and thick.

As he surveyed the scene, another alien, a few inches shorter than him, joined him. Amidst pin-drop silence, the two matched down the stairs and stopped in front of PM Modi.

Modi raised his right hand in Spock's Vulcan salute and welcomed his guests in their tongue. 'Kro! kkjen Yi India, R! den P! nbbarwer Qaal-za.'

The taller of the two regarded PM Modi for a moment before breaking into a wide smile.

'Kem cho, Modi bhai?' exclaimed alien commander Qaal-za, extending one of his two right hands... the alien gestured behind him, where a dozen more aliens now stood in a neat formation.

'This is my captain, Saal-fa,' he said, pointing to the alien right beside him, 'and that is the rest of my delegation.'

PM Modi nodded at the delegates before turning back to the alien commander.

'And now I will give you the most valuable gift in the universe!' he said with a twinkle in his eye, as he pulled the hardbound book from Misra's clasp.

'Behold| The Bhagavad Gita!'

Thus began PM Modi's charm offensive on yet another visiting leader.

(pp. 8-9)

Margalla Hills [Margalla - Margaret?]

(p. 33)

***

Oops.

(p. 36)

***

oh my god

(p. 76)

***

Apples! Have some apples! Apple stands for A Pure, Pleasing, Luscious Eatable!

(p. 136)

***

'Make in India,' he beamed.

(p. 136)

***

Like a spell that raises the dead ...

(p. 184)

***

... thousands of people had been turned into zombies by the aliens and were plodding mindlessly on the streets. But thanks to a herbal drug developed by Baba Ramdev, they were all revived.

Well, most of them.

(p. 212)

***

After his mother's revelation, there was no doubt in Modi's mind that he was the prince the aliens were looking for.

And there was also no doubt that if he revealed himself, the campaign that would follow to pack him off to Mor would be unprecedented in scale and intensity.

Excerpts quoted from My copy of UNREAL ALIENS by Karthik Laxman (Penguin Books).

Kishalay Sinha [G]

11 मिनट mobile बंद

मेरी unsupecting धर्मपत्नी asked Me, "25 minutes mobile बंद - चक्कर क्या है?"

मैंने समझाया ... ...

G

NOTE: During office duty, all male and female junior staff have to switch off their smart phones. If they don't - and get caught - they could lose their jobs.

G