QUOTES ON GALS

QUOTES ON GALS

I'd rather be in jail than in love again.

Men look at love the same way they look at smoke from their car engines: "Damn, how much is this going to cost me?"

My girlfriend says I never listen to her. I think that's what she said.

My troubles don't come from chasing women. They begin when I catch them.

I finally found the perfect woman. Unfortunately, she was looking for the perfect man.

Women are crazy and men are stupid. The reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Men lie so much it's almost a language.

A woman need know but one man well to understand all men; whereas a man may know all women and understand not one of them.

Most love triangles are wrecktangles.

The one who loves the least controls the relationship.

When somebody says, "The last thing I want to do is hurt you," it means they have other things to do first.

Losing my virginity was a career move. - Madonna

Nobody is completely worthless. Some can be used as bad examples.

If women were as big as men, we'd be in real trouble.

Because men are bigger than us, we learned to be the sneakier of the two sexes.

Until you've lost your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was. - Margaret Mitchell

People with no vices usually have annoying virtues. - British novelist Elizabeth Taylor

Women's virtue is man's greatest invention. - Cornelia Otis Skinner

The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run. - John Barrymore

When he said we were trying to make a fool of him, I could only murmur that the Creator had beat us to it. - Ilka Chase

I tried American girls. They talk too much.

You have to be very fond of men to love them. Otherwise they're simply unbearable. - Marguerite Duras

My girlfriend wanted to make love in front of a mirror, which meant I had to hold her above the dashboard. - John Kerwin

My wife likes to talk during sex. Last night she called me from a hotel. - Rodney Dangerfield

NUN. The word says it all.

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $4.95 a minute.

Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad and the good stuff is out of your price range. - Scott Reuben

When in doubt about yourself or your career, take off your clothes. It has always worked for me. - Former stripper Carol Doda

I never made any money until I took off my pants. - Burlesque dancer Sally Rand

The primary function of breasts is to make men stupid. - Dave Barry

Sex for free usually costs more than sex for money.

God is in my head, but the devil is in my pants. - Jonathan Winters

I accidentally walked in on my roommate and his girlfriend having sex. They didn't see me for almost ten minutes. - Nathan Trenholm

My girlfriend is the most wonderful person in the world to me. But not to my wife.

In America, sex is an obsession - elsewhere it's a fact.

Every woman learns to fake orgasm. It's common courtesy. - Joan Rivers

Women can fake an orgasm, but men can fake a whole relationship.

Sex is a dirty, disgusting act you save for someone you love.

When I saw my wife in bed with another man, I said, "Get off me, you two." - Emo Philips

My wife is a sex object. When I ask for sex, she objects.

What do you mean, "Not tonight, I have a headache"? You're a prostitute.

I called a phone sex number and got a woman who stuttered. It cost me fifteen hundred bucks.

Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.

A woman phoned the other night and said, "Come on over, nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home. - Rodney Dangerfield

Many women have trouble looking into a man's eyes because her eyes aren't located in her chest.

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K. Chesterton

Get married. If you have a good wife, you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

I married my wife for her looks, but not the kind she's giving me lately. - Jeff Foxworthy

There are three words you don't want to hear during sex: "Honey, I'm home ..." - Ken Hammond

Virginity is like a balloon: one prick and it's gone.

There are two reasons why the world is so screwed up: men and women.

It's better to be looked over than overlooked.

Never underestimate a man's ability to underestimate a woman's ability.

I don't mind men who kiss and tell. I need all the publicity I can get.

My measurements are 37-24-38, but not necessarily in that order. - Carol Burnett

Computer dating is great ... if you're a computer. - Rita Mae Brown

I believe in platonic friendships, but after, not before. - John Copley (Lord Lyndhurst)

There are times not to flirt. When you're sick. When you're with children. When you're on the witness stand. - Joyce Jillson

Relationships are based on trust until you meet someone new.

You and I are a simply amazing couple. You're simple and I am amazing. - Jim Fenney

I think, therefore I'm single. - Liz Winston

My girlfriend wants me to become a better person so I can get a better girlfriend. - Anthony Jeselnik

Prince Charming doesn't come on a white horse anymore. He comes in a Honda and needs help with the payments. - Mary Wolfe

Men are like jobs - they're easier to find if you already have one. - Paige Mitchell

I used to go out exclusively with actresses and other female impersonators. - Mort Sahl

In high school, my girlfriend's dad said, "I want my daughter back by eight fifteen." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!" - Steven Wright

It's better to be looked over than overlooked.

(From Robert Byrne: "THE 2,548 WITTIEST THINGS ANYBODY EVER SAID", Simon & Schuster)

Kishalay Sinha [G]